As an adolescent therapist with extensive experience working with behavioral problems, I have noticed that many of the issues were a direct result of the parents’ actions and lack thereof.
Here are some examples of parents and families I have worked with from an affluent region of the country:
A child walks into a bar/restaurant with his parents for dinner. As they dine, they overhear a man at the bar using the F word. The child gets up and approaches the man at the bar and tells him he is “offended” by his language. Umm..they are at a bar, shame on the parents for raising an entitled brat and teaching him that the world must revolve around him. If they did not want to hear people cursing, don’t dine at a bar.
Parents purchase another new BMW for their 16 year old daughter after she totaled her BMW in an accident. Several cases of beer were found in the trunk of the car and she smelled of alcohol. Her behavior is rewarded with a new car and the alcohol use was never discussed. Shame on these parents for not holding their child accountable for her behavior. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away.
As parents post about the number of AP classes and their child’s SAT scores on social media, their child sits in the car and gets stoned along with several of their friends. Their parents never noticed the stinky smell oozing from the car or on their child. All they seem to care about are the statistics about their child. Later on, they wonder why the child fails out of college and can’t get a job. Maybe if the parents actually paid attention to what was actually happening with their child, and not treat them as a status symbol or object, the child would have made better choices and had life skills to succeed.
Parents come to therapy for help with their son who has ADHD, is struggling in school and is unable to form peer friendships. They reject the idea of medication for their child despite the medical evidence supporting the benefits-after all, they medicate with stimulants (caffeine) to help them focus but reject this concept for their own child. And when a behavior contract is suggested, they fail at being consistent at using it each day. Then they wonder why the child is still not doing well. When you deny the “tools” to help your child, the child will not get better. Don’t blame others for not “making” your child better.
When parents do not hold their children accountable, never allowing the child to face natural consequences of their actions, the child never learns how to succeed. When parents teach intolerance of others, with expectations that everyone must behave in a specific manner for their benefit, the child never learns to relate to people with differences and different perspectives. And they grow up to be self-centered, entitled brats. And when a parent’s own fears and beliefs prevent the child from getting the help they need to succeed, the parent is to blame.
So, some parents ought to be slapped. Instead of being self-absorbed in your own little world, look around you and see what is really going on. When you start taking responsibility for your actions, so will your children. Be involved, be aware, take action when needed. Be a parent. And maybe the children will then have a chance to grow up and be a successful human being in life.
And if you are offended by this blog, I challenge you to look within yourself to find out why you are having this reaction.